talking out of my rss

Chat

A fictional cabinet meeting
  • I ran out of ideas writing this but didn't want to throw it away.
  • CallMeDave: Morning all. A lot to get through today. Money is most important so it's economy first. Gideon?
  • Gideon: I recently met with the CBI and I'm pleased to report that in the last quarter British industry produced 1 3/8ths of a Thing. The head of the CBI said if we abolish all employee rights, the minimum wage, consumer rights, environmental legislation, legalise slavery and dig up and repeatedly spit on the corpse of William Wilberforce they might be able to boost that to 1 5/8ths of a Thing by the last quarter of 2026.
  • CallMeDave: Education next. Mikey?
  • Gove: Well as you know, since we abolished Building Schools for the Future, and also the Future, we haven't made any new investment in our schools. I'm pleased to say that we have found capacity in our budget to lease upwards of 11 chairs from the private sector over the next 25 years.
  • CallMeDave: Health?
  • Lansley: Unfortunately some people persist in being ill despite our best efforts to discourage poor people from doing anything other than dying.
  • CallMeDave: OK, the environment, delight me, Spelman.
  • Spelman: Our plan to reduce skin cancer and boost the building trade and government revenues by building a dome over the UK to block out the Sun, and then charge people for access to holes in it, met with stunning success. However I think we should now think about some form of privatisation because private capital can run it more efficiently. We will sell the infrastructure to one company and the holes to other companies on a franchise basis, who will be able to sell access to their holes.
  • Gove: "Sell access to their holes", I suggested a similar thing for the more attractive students who are wondering how to pay for their degress.
  • Clegg: *groaning noises*
  • CallMeDave: What are you doing Clegg? Not masturbating under the table again? I know even the faintest hint of power makes you hard, but the coalition agreement specifically prohibits any member of your party from masturbating anywhere in Europe. Go sit in the corner with Hague and the other compulsive masturbators.

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